By Andrea Baldwin, with insight from Brian Branch.
Dating someone with ADHD is not for the faint of heart. I’ve dated a handful of people since my diagnosis and have often approached my ADHD as a liability requiring careful disclosure, as if my neurodiversity was a potential dealbreaker. For a few people, it was. My time blindness, my tendency to have poor sleep hygiene, and / or my frequent need to work late because a lot of tasks take me longer than anticipated, have often been “too much” for a prospective partner to handle. I have also dated people who have tried to “fix” me by organizing my home, or by taking responsibility for something on my plate without first consulting me, in the hope it would give me more time to spend with them. These efforts to repair what they perceived to be broken usually resulted in anger and resentment. Obviously, none of these people were the right match for me.
But then I met Brian. Somehow, I knew he was extraordinary from the very beginning. He was thoughtful and empathetic, and he asked the kind of questions that demonstrated he was excited to get to know what makes me tick. Because my gut told me Brian might be the person I’d been looking for, I was determined not to fall into the same problematic patterns I had experienced with others. I proceeded differently than in the past, including how I disclosed my ADHD to him. Instead of treating it as a burden that makes me a less attractive partner, I mentioned it matter-of-factly in passing, as I explained why I had hyper focused on my garden for hours, instead of accomplishing anything on my to-do list. Brian didn’t run for the hills. He said something witty and supportive – which confirmed he didn’t think it was the end of the world that I have ADHD – and told me he looked forward to learning more.
In subsequent conversations, Brian demonstrated he already had some knowledge about ADHD, but I wanted to make sure he had some accurate information about the way ADHD impacts my life, that he would necessarily encounter as my boyfriend. I began by sharing some of my favourite ADHD resources with him. I sent him a few social media posts from ADHD influencers Rich and Rox of ADHD Love that really resonate with me. We watched Jessica McCabe’s TEDx talk “This is what it’s really like to live with ADHD” together and talked about it afterwards. When I told him I was listening to the audiobook ADHD is Awesome by Penn and Kim Holderness and suggested we might listen to a chapter together one day, he immediately bought and listened to his own copy. Before I knew it, Brian was sending me ADHD memes, passing along my recommended content to a friend who is struggling with undiagnosed ADHD, and becoming my most important ADHD support.
Brian’s Perspective
The fact that Andrea introduced me to her ADHD brain by sharing humorous and relatable content was a game changer and helped set the tone for my relationship with this reality. The information she shared was both funny and loving and demonstrated that with compassion, kindness, and humour (and good communication), you can have a strong and fulfilling relationship with a partner who has ADHD. There was no shame in the ADHD content Andrea presented to me and there was no shame in the way she shared it. This helped me to understand and embrace Andrea’s ADHD symptoms without judgement and learn how I could support my new partner. Ultimately, the way Andrea introduced me to her ADHD helped us to create a solid foundation for our relationship which is richer because of her ADHD.
Passionately yours,
Andrea & Brian