by Andrea Baldwin with insight from Brian Branch.
Even though we live in different provinces, Brian is the most important tool in my ADHD toolbox. Since we live only a two-and-a-half hour drive from each other, Brian and I manage to spend about 10 days together every month. When we’re not together, we lead very full (and fulfilling) lives focused on our respective families, friends, careers and many interests. We do, however, manage to carve out time daily to connect with and support each other.
We always end our day together over FaceTime. There is no set time of day or duration for our daily video call, but it usually happens when we’re both ready to wind down for the day. It amazes me how much of a support Brian is to me when he is a province away.
Relaxation
I don’t take time to relax often enough. I tend to doddle when I do things, especially in the evening when my medication has worn off. This means I often run out of time before I have a chance to wind down. But with the right motivation, I can hyper focus and get down to business. Playfully, Brian dangles “rewards” he knows motivate me as encouragement to finish a task so that I have time to relax with him before bed. Some of his favourite lures are a promise to do a crossword puzzle or to remotely stream the next episode of a series we’re watching together.
Focus & Productivity
Even though I prioritize recreation and family time, I have dated people who complained about how much I work. It’s a relief that Brian, a self-employed graphic designer, understands the amount of time often required to manage multiple client projects at the same time. He told me early in our relationship that I never have to apologize for working at night or on the weekend. Brian doesn’t keep to a 9 to 5 schedule either. He often spends a couple of hours after dinner or a bike ride sitting on his couch finishing a new logo design or laying out an annual report.
I can struggle to settle back into work in the evenings (which is not surprising since transitions can be challenging for ADHDers). When I ask for support with this, Brian gently encourages me to sit at my desk and join him on FaceTime so we can work in each other’s presence.
Sometimes I have to do an hour or two of work after I return from an evening activity or tuck my kids in for the night. At that time of day, it’s often a challenge for me to return my focus to work. While I frequently use Focusmate, the virtual co-working tool that pairs users with an accountability partner, I sometimes use Brian as my body double instead. When we’re both busy, and don’t have a lot of time to chat, it’s nice to see each other and exchange a few words and smiles when we take little breaks. Brian also notices if I start falling asleep and reminds me it might be smart to think of about going to bed.
Sleep Hygiene
Like many people with ADHD, I struggle with going to bed at a reasonable time. I don’t have trouble getting to sleep when my head hits the pillow. I just have trouble getting myself into bed. I am often sleep deprived because there always seems to be something that grabs my attention late at night. It could be dirty dishes, plants to transplant, a cupboard to organize or a new-to-me artist to discover on Spotify.
Brian mitigates the risk I will stay up until the wee hours of the morning most nights by tucking me in over video. He lovingly reminds me to set my alarm and plug in my charger. And, if he thinks there’s a risk I might get out of bed, he’ll offer to stay online while I fall asleep. After a decade-long struggle to consistently get enough sleep, the sleep support Brian gives me is a game changer.
Brian’s Perspective
The ways I support Andrea remotely with her ADHD help to bridge the distance between us. Providing this support is not burdensome; it makes me feel helpful, in spite of the distance between us. And, it’s not a one-way street. Our daily bedtime ritual is an important part of my day. It helps me to organize my evening and reduces my unnecessary screen time. It also strengthens our connection, and gives us a regular and predictable end of day check-in. Although Andrea’s getting-ready-for-bed routine can be lengthy, her fun and quirky personality make up for the time it takes her to cleanse, moisturize and floss. Plus, I never mind watching her slip under the covers.